i spent saturday afternoon at the king of prussia mall, which is the second largest mall in the continental u.s. or so i've been told. anyway i went to make a return, but they didn't accept it. they said i had to mail it back, so i had to walk around carrying them. i think what makes me dislike malls isn't just that theres so much to see that it gets disorienting, but that everything is being advertised to me. all the posters mentioning discounts. it makes me feel like i don't have enough. that what i have isn't good enough. that's far more exhausting than not knowing what kind of stuff you want to look at to kill time

i got a duffel coat. had the red hat. they're for my paddington costume, which a friend called (rightly?) my new fursuit. lol

i want to see the joker movie. i had more thoughts about the discourse surrounding it, but i'm only going to say that every news media figure is delusional. unnecessary paranoia related to incels, as if the joker were some new character that was just being introduced to them. i've read that the movie is bad. but that's okay. i still want to see it. i like joaquin as an actor

i got really drunk the other day and started message threads that i didn't need to start. i feel like they were all honest though. which, if anything good is to come of that, at least it's that i didn't lie. i guess... i broke my 'haven't thrown my phone in x days' streak but i don't remember doing so. i tried to make myself throw up. don't think i did. this was all after a pretty decent night at some tavern nearby. i threw some darts. played some pool. hit the eight-ball in on my first hit, just after i explained that im a chaotic player. made fun of some homophobic man playing pool. danced. drank from drinks that i dind't order. all the usual stuff

ok, it's not really that 'usual' but it didn't feel wrong. it felt like the natural culmination of all my bad habits

i don't want to get to that point again. i feel like, everything would've been better if my swipe hadn't stopped working suddenly and i was able to get to my room and sleep in my bed and not deal with any other interpersonal interactions til i was done with what was ultimately my first hangover since freshman year. ending like i started, i guess. i feel like someones mad at me. i don't think i gave a reason, but, i don't know, they haven't replied to a few things i've sent over the past couple days. it's making me anxious. i don't want to think of what other things i may have said while plastered

my sisters on a cruise. she won 600$ on some kind of gambling thing. she should send me money. she won't tho. all love

my brother dropped out of school. that stresses me out. means i'm the only one in college at the moment. more pressure for me to graduate or whatever. not like i'm not going to, but still, it's an 'all eyes are on me'-type of situation. more stress i didn't need. also feel bad that i wasn't there to help him. i know i didn't do well my first year. i kind of blame myself, though i'm fully aware it's not my fault. my mother wants me to talk to him. i don't know