first thanksgiving i'm spending alone. my family sent me fifty dollars to buy myself some sort of meal for the holiday. i don't think many places are open. and, to be honest, i'm pretty comfortable in my room and don't want to leave. it was really windy earlier, but i think that has died down a bit.

a poem that i definitely forgot i drunkenly wrote but submitted to my schools litmag because it doesn't really matter to me if it gets accepted i just think it's funny to force people to read it:

art is bullshit

i’m plucking hairs off my big toe

it can’t change anything

satisfied by the white bulbous ends that come up

when i do it right

we're destined to follow the same routines

me with these hairs, people with their jobs

i miss slacker culture

i'm gonna drink some water

thunder rumbles my walls

and go to bed

i spent saturday afternoon at the king of prussia mall, which is the second largest mall in the continental u.s. or so i've been told. anyway i went to make a return, but they didn't accept it. they said i had to mail it back, so i had to walk around carrying them. i think what makes me dislike malls isn't just that theres so much to see that it gets disorienting, but that everything is being advertised to me. all the posters mentioning discounts. it makes me feel like i don't have enough. that what i have isn't good enough. that's far more exhausting than not knowing what kind of stuff you want to look at to kill time

i got a duffel coat. had the red hat. they're for my paddington costume, which a friend called (rightly?) my new fursuit. lol

i want to see the joker movie. i had more thoughts about the discourse surrounding it, but i'm only going to say that every news media figure is delusional. unnecessary paranoia related to incels, as if the joker were some new character that was just being introduced to them. i've read that the movie is bad. but that's okay. i still want to see it. i like joaquin as an actor

i got really drunk the other day and started message threads that i didn't need to start. i feel like they were all honest though. which, if anything good is to come of that, at least it's that i didn't lie. i guess... i broke my 'haven't thrown my phone in x days' streak but i don't remember doing so. i tried to make myself throw up. don't think i did. this was all after a pretty decent night at some tavern nearby. i threw some darts. played some pool. hit the eight-ball in on my first hit, just after i explained that im a chaotic player. made fun of some homophobic man playing pool. danced. drank from drinks that i dind't order. all the usual stuff

ok, it's not really that 'usual' but it didn't feel wrong. it felt like the natural culmination of all my bad habits

i don't want to get to that point again. i feel like, everything would've been better if my swipe hadn't stopped working suddenly and i was able to get to my room and sleep in my bed and not deal with any other interpersonal interactions til i was done with what was ultimately my first hangover since freshman year. ending like i started, i guess. i feel like someones mad at me. i don't think i gave a reason, but, i don't know, they haven't replied to a few things i've sent over the past couple days. it's making me anxious. i don't want to think of what other things i may have said while plastered

my sisters on a cruise. she won 600$ on some kind of gambling thing. she should send me money. she won't tho. all love

my brother dropped out of school. that stresses me out. means i'm the only one in college at the moment. more pressure for me to graduate or whatever. not like i'm not going to, but still, it's an 'all eyes are on me'-type of situation. more stress i didn't need. also feel bad that i wasn't there to help him. i know i didn't do well my first year. i kind of blame myself, though i'm fully aware it's not my fault. my mother wants me to talk to him. i don't know

i want to collect my thoughts on why i'm so reluctant to truly back any politician. i understand that there are a lot of 'good' ones out there, who are working to 'dismantle' the oppressive nature of the current american government but they all have short comings. no one's perfect. to an extent, that's fine. holding them all to a rigid purity test doesn't seem like the best use of anyone's time because, after all, not everyone will agree on anything. my purity test may not be the same as another's. maybe my purity test is wrong. etc. etc. which, i guess, brings me to a momentary standstill. should i just give them the pass since they, 'they' being progressive candidates that i agree with on many things, are working towards a solution that, for what it's worth, is a better situation than the one we're currently in?

i guess a few, maybe even just last year, i was inclined to think so. i was more on the side of "yes go off" or whatever. i remember being inspired by aoc's win as a sign that maybe the culture was shifting. but then, she slipped up here and there. backtracked some of her more brazen comments in order to not alienate people who disagree. and it was a moment like this that dis-inspired me with her. at that moment it became clear again that politicians will truly say what they need to in order to not lose power/support

which, of course. they need people to like them so that they vote for them. in turn, they get elected or stay in their position. that's how politics works! but that's the issue i have. if more people are against what you view as the right thing, you have to shift your position. isn't that a cop out? that's not genuine. why should i trust someone that will backpedal, or even take a step forward to later take steps back, in order to win an election. it's one thing if that person sticks to their beliefs, whether i agree or not, and it's another issue if they shape-shift for votes or approval

people love politicians. lots of people still love obama. there's love for biden. for warren. for sanders. for omar. etc. people we elected to 'represent' us are being elevated to celebrity status. i don't think they should. by celebrating politicians we create an energy for them that propels them. we overlook flaws and say, "so what. they're still good." we ignore faults because we see it as a team versus team thing. i'm guilty of this as well. i would say even now. i give sanders a pass on a lot of shit because i think he's the best candidate for 2020. i don't know. it's because of his track record. he hasn't wavered much in what he believes in. it's that consistency in 'progressive' values that i like. but even then, i'm not going to share stuff about how 'great' he is. because he can't be that great. politicians are supposed to work for us. represent us. not the other way around. we shouldn't stan them, since they ideally should just be a mirror of our own collective consensus and ideals

i'm thinking of that meme that a friend of mine shared. it's a picture of 'the squad'. those progressive woc politicians. i forget who's all in it but the point is, the picture has text that reads 'what if imperialism had a girl boss?' and that's the overarching issue here. america is an imperialist machine. you can interpret that as the idea of america. or the idea of american exceptionalism. or even physically, america as a country. as a people. why should i back a politician that is, at best, complicit with the violence committed in the name of america. should i be content that it's a woman doing it now? i wasn't content when it was a black man doing it. race doesn't absolve. neither does gender. violence is violence. i get that not everyone is 'responsible' for what the u.s. does. a state rep doesn't call the shots. but they take part in the system that does. they help uphold that system. is that not as bad? even assuming that they got in it to reform it, they are well aware that the way things are set up, change is a long-term plan. having a vision for the future doesn't mean that there isn't harm being done today

should politicians be celebrities? no. should they flip flop and compromise their ideals? no. should anyone aspire to be in charge of an imperialist machine? no. someone has to 'steer the ship' i suppose. but they shouldn't be idolized

none of what i wrote is new or groundbreaking. these are all critiques that were made well before i wrote them down here. but the way the majority of the people i know interpret politics is discouraging. i tried to argue this once while drunk and others thought i was just a 'nihilist.' i get why that may be the interpretation of this. but it's not that i don't think it matters. i think it matters too much. that we need to really scrutinize everything. that idolizing politicians obscures that. meeting them does too. i prefer to keep my distance. i don't want to meet them. by virtue of their job, they have to be charismatic. i don't want anything to do with their charisma

do ya'll actually read this? i know i can dig into the analytics to find if people actually, at least click, read what i write here. i don't want to do that. i've avoided it with this new blog and hope to keep avoiding it

was i really surprised when i wasn't accepted into the model u.n. class after i basically said i don't (currently) believe that these international diplomacy institutions can ever solve a problem and that i just signed up to waste my time

the air freshener plug in that i stole leaked and the liquid dripped onto my plugged in charger and fried it. the wall plug part is done. crisped. i have to use the extension adapter. so not a big deal

i spent like twenty dollars at the store but i don't know how. it doesn't seem right. like the things i got should not amount to that. there isn't enough, like, matter there. got refills for the air plug in but i got the wrong brand being mostly sure i was getting the right one

is it wrong that my trash can is just a box i never threw out? i just emptied it and put it back in the corner ..

ok so i did switch to the smaller data plan but i'm seeing i lost a discount i had so it's really only five dollars less but i get two gigabytes less. it's actually worse, value-wise. that said, still motivation to be on it less when out

i didn't go to the minecraft concert. i went out last night and then today none of the names stuck out to me. i found the gecs set so it's not like i'm never going to hear it

friday night i made myself a spritz and went to some small party people were throwing for a mutual friend's birthday. i didn't particularly like being there. i mostly just hid out in a friends room. drank some millers&aperol. julia said i'm gross for that. showed people pc music and they didn't really like it. ate a small amount of [redacted] and hit a dab pen. went to a bar but left within like fifteen minutes at most. i didn't really like anyone there. i don't talk to them. they seem annoying. and i especially wasn't going to talk to them at that point. my mind wasn't there. walked home and walked around a bit. played chess against coulson. i won. i think that's about where that night ended. friday

then last night i went to a party out in manayunk. it was just a small house thing where we all just drank and talked. caught up. etc. it was nice to see bryan. tried convincing him to come see brockhampton. i think i convinced coulson to come too. anyway drank a lot there too. i guess i shit talked some people i didn't know and that was recorded and sent to them. i don't mind. it doesn't mean anything to me. in general though, glad that's over with. two nights in a row is a lot

the thing about the regional rail is that if you say you paid with the key card they'll most likely take your word for it. like, i had one fare collector pretend to read the card with her machine. she even said 'beep'. then yesterday the fare guy said it was fine when i flashed the card and just gave me the little paper slip. i mean, i thought i had enough fare but the machine declined me. it wasn't my intention, but it worked out

i've been eating worse and more, while moving less

i'm thinking of selling my bike at some point between now and, like, april. i don't see myself wanting to take it home. it's heavy and needs more work that i'm not willing to finance

going to 'redact' some things cause i'm too honest i guess. i don't think so but whatever

going to switch to a three gigabyte monthly data plan to save an extra ten dollars a month. that's not a lot, but it comes with the added bonus that i know i have less data and can't be on my phone as often. i kinda miss my nokia. struggling to connect, that felt natural and what not

did the layout and sent it to the printers. feel proud that i managed to get that out. each new issue should be a lot easier from here on out

have ya'll heard this dorian electra album? it's really good. i recommend

i got back from new york last night. i got there friday and told myself i would buy an aesop deoderant. i didn't. i stopped by the aesop store in chelsea to see them in person. i liked the spray one but kim said i should get the roll-on one. i got neither, but i know that the herbal one is the one i want. i wasn't sure whether i should drop money that quickly but later that day, at the vampire weekend show, i spent twenty-five dollars on an orange hat. considered buying something for my sister but opted not to. which, she messaged me sometime last week asking a question regarding my school's application process, which, like, god, i hope she isn't seriously considering coming here. like, i don't think she'll be miserable, but there are better places and better locations to go to school. and if you're going to get in debt for a private school outside of texas might as well make it someplace worthwhile. plus, i know she can get into a 'better' school

anyway, ezra said that was their largest ever crowd. nineteen thousand he said. first show at the garden. i ran into scrag in the, would you call it foyer, of the place. she was taking pictures of the inflatable frog with her mom. i went over and talked to her briefly before getting in the merch line for the previously mentioned hat. [redacted]. we sat through one and a half openers. the second one did a bunch of talking heads covers. i was fine with the seats i got. they were in the two hundreds but somehow still felt close. at least closer than comparable seats at the wells fargo center feel. stood for the whole show. my throat hurt during most of it but i still sang along cause i'm corny like that. it was nice to hear all the songs i basically memorized during all of my alone time in argentina. like a true culmination of them. a completion. we got prince st pizza after cause the owner of some meme account i like once said it has the best pizza if you're buying by the slice. i took a bite of it in the broadway-lafyatte station and nearly choked. my throat was so dry and irritated i teared up

the next day i convinced kim to go to staten island with me to visit kwynn. which is an accomplishemnt. nyers really hate that place! i hadn't been to her place in about a couple years now, which i realized while sitting on her back patio drinking some punch she made. saw her dogs. pet her dogs. ate some chips. ran my hand through the cold crytalline water in the pool. ate a burger that was basically raw but nonetheless good. i wanted to see emmett in brooklyn later that day but once i got back to where i was staying i knocked out

i'm remembering how kim described a hot chai tea as a blanket. i debated texting others to hang but i realized i had way too little time for everything

then the next day went by really fast. had brunch at a mexican place in the bronx. ordered a cafe de olla which was really good. got a small horchata as i was walking out. stopped by the place next door to buy some hibiscus to make some agua de jamaica later this week. saw emmett. went to muji. was stuck between two shirts and got the bigger one. it ended up being really big and now i'm not sure how to style it and am also kinda regretting not getting the other one, which would've fit a lot better. also got one of those thin cotton bags. basically i impulse bought at muji, twenty minutes before i was leaving. wasn't a lot, but still, didn't need to spend that money. but i never 'need' to do a lot of the things i do. it's my free will. it's me

it's around six in the morning. i haven't really slept and i'd been telling myself to type another one of these out so i figure now would work. the sky outside is turning blue. i have laundry in the dryer that should be done by now, but i don't feel like walking down two flights of stairs

there's a rash on my right arm that, in my opinion, resembles the hawaiian archipelago. not sure if it's due to some sort of allergy. i know that last week i was drinking a chocolate/almond smoothie and my throat started to itch. never felt that before and i've had that drink months ago multiple times. i didn't finish it

handed out miller high lives and aperol like it was water on saturday. people complimented my crop top. do they not think of it as pandering? i feel like if i saw a guy wearing one i'd be suspicious of, like, ulterior motives. i guess that just says more about me

i should've purchased my ticket to new york months ago. don't like that it was almost thirty dollars. there's another one of those mincecraft virtual concerts coming up on the fifteenth, i think. i told kim that i was going to 'attend' and she laughed

i have ten pairs of shoes with me and it somehow still doesn't feel like enough. i left some olive pants at home that i meant to bring

i have basically everything i need for my room except the speaker wires. i thought i had them in one of the boxes in my storage unit but i don't. or they haven't popped up yet. i think they might be in the box with my records that dom has somewhere at his place. i'm fine with not having my records for a few weeks but i want to listen to music in my room and i don't like being limited to my phone and laptop speakers. i also don't want to buy any more

over the years i've hoarded too much stuff. i'm seeing exactly how much now that i have to move in and empty all the boxes. i'm going to try and sell some stuff on, like, depop or maybe ebay. i don't know. gonna donate some stuff to goodwill even though i don't really like them. i left a couple shirts at home and i'm a little sad cause i was looking forward to wearing them

me and a friend are going to have to learn adobe indesign and design the new layout for the student newspaper. that sucks. it's good that i have a decent understanding of how adobe programs work but i quickly got lost when the graphic designer guy gave us a crash course so it's going to be annoying to have this figured out, or mostly figured out, by friday

i was messing around with my yashica slr camera, just hitting the shutter and messing with the speed dials. i decided to open it and realized there was a roll of film in there that i definitley just ruined. i think it had been in there since freshman year. not sure how many shots it had on it, but they're probably all messed up now. don't think it's worth even trying to develop. i know that, considering the time and temperature fluctuations of the storage units, the film was probably already messed up, so i'm going to keep telling myself that to rationalize my carelessness

laptop was still on central time and as a result i showed up to an empty classroom for class an hour early. at least i was able to get coffee

julia said she got tickets for the same vampire weekend show as me and sarah but turns out she has tickets for the one in philly smdh

saturday my first time back on campus since december and it felt weird. like, i've had a cold for a week now and i haven't been able to smell very good. every other year the campus has had this outdoorsy smell, maybe that of pollen or trees or grass, but i wasn't able to pick up on it. and, it's been hot every other year. like at least high eighties or low nineties. i think it was in the seventies. so too cold and not smelly enough. two important senses. my room is a good size though. just have to rearrange somethings and i should be fine. sucks that i lost my fridge though

the beginning of the second poem is reminiscent of that meek mill song. i don't like that but i'm not going back to change it

i'm trying to think of what my last meal in houston should be. i want to stop by the menil tomorrow. i think. i feel like i should. it's been a while. maybe i won't go out for dinner. i don't need to
i've been feeling bad these past couple weeks. a sort of stagnant depression i guess. i've tried to go out and do things more to see if that helped and, like, it briefly did. i had people cancel on me a fair amount of times, but that's okay. people are busy. no one owes me anything. i'm hoping that by leaving on saturday and being closer to people and not having to drive and feel isolated it'll get better. i don't want to pack. i'm listening to the antlers. i'm remembering how this time last year i was obsessed with the smashing pumpkins, a month after having seen them live. i remember making a bad joke after leaving the toyota center and sending it to rae. maybe someone else too. they're playing in houston again on sunday. the smashing pumpkins. i won't be here. that's fine. it's in the woodlands anyway. i wouldn't want to go out there anyway. i tweeted a bunch today. didn't really do anything at work. hasn't felt like i've done a lot in the past month. i also got sick within the past couple days. listening to the antler reminds me of my solo trip to toronto. reminds me of feeling alone. but i feel like that now too, so maybe that's why i put it on. like, i knew subconciously. i don't know. seems plausible. might buy a 'zero' shirt. maybe one of those bret easton ellis ones. feel like people older than me would make fun of me for that, though

i got high for the first time this year on monday. i had gone to the galleria to see if i wanted to get anything before leaving. i bought some black shorts from h and m. in an ideal world i wouldn't need to buy from fast-fashion companies but i had tried to find some at thrift stores and always came up empty. i got canes for lunch. the card machine was down, so the manager gave me my meal for free. i debated going back to ask for the lemonade i had ordered, but obviously chose accept that i had already won and going back would only make me look bad. went bowling after. at lucky strike. first game i only scored twenty-something points. the second game i was just short of forty. either way, two very bad games on my end. went to some sort of underground food court/bar after. got a raspberry/cherry beer that i, for some reason, expected to taste like store-bought raspberry ice tea. left there, smoked in the car, and played pool at a bar. i had wanted to get high for a week at that point. as a part of feeling bad, i felt that getting high was as self destructive as i wanted to get. it's self-destructive, for me, since i know my tolerance is low and i know i get awkward and paranoid. but it did numb me out and what not. i got what i was looking for, i suppose

i don't want to rant about this too much but i posted an epstein meme that implied bill clinton killed him on an ig account that wasn't my personal one. someone messages me saying that someone had asked them to take it down cause it made them uncomfortable. which like, first dm the account not someone else. second, i don't understand how a post making fun of a man who pleaded guilty to human traficking and another man who assaulted a woman while president would make anyone uncomfortable unless they're ok with either of those things. those are my thoughts

i guess i never wrote about the trip to marfa with german. at least, not in this journal style. only in two autobiographical fiction poems. maybe i won't write about it anymore. maybe i'll just melt again

i did go see an astros game on tuesday. they played, and beat, the tigers. there was also a soccer game between two mexican clubs so a lot of the free parking on the east side of downtown was taken. joked that mexicans are taking all our free parking. went to moon tower after. tried to go to a bar but areli lost her wallet for a second time and didn't have her i.d. the bartender was also being unnecessarily rude. kaijah told me that's just how she is. met areli's friend sarah. i think that's how it's spelled. she said she thought we'd vibe but i don't know if we did. i guess earlier that day someone else cancelled plans with me but popped into the art asylum to say hi, i guess. don't think i liked that. my fit was bad, for one. and, i don't know, if i don't invite you to visit me at work or i'm not close-close with you, don't do that. it made me anxious

i tie dyed some more shirts today. three fingers on my left hand are tinted black now. areli tried to make fun of me for getting into tie dye but i didn't let her. i'm having fun with it. that's what matters. i'll know what they look like tomorrow

Smashing Pumpkins - Thirty-Three (Sadlands Demo)

a poem:

nights like this,
i wanted nights like this
zooming by dried up oceans

i pull off to the shoulder
i turn off the headlights
next the engine

i'm pro-stars
i get out of the car
he's still snoring
in the passenger seat

i'm pro-sky
i spin around three times
i wish for the moon to go away
and it does

the dirt is thirsty
i'm not falling asleep

i remind myself
that each rock
is destined to decay
removed and satisfied

a poem:

dreamt of suicidal roadrunners
daring oncoming cars
wagering their shapes
on their marks
i'm a citizen
i'm a witness to the moon's gravity
i slip off my shoes, my socks
phone notifications feel alien
like the sky and sand and sun and sighs
my body blends with the light
i know i cant
see myself
mother is crying
i pretend not to see

the inaugural post for this blog, myphoneisdead, just after my phone actually died. i took off its case to clean it since there was sand and other debris on the inside backing. i place it down, headphones attached, since i was listening to a podcast. i guess i move back one step too much and the wire pulls it and it falls. i initially scrunched my face hoping the screen hadn't cracked. it didn't but the digitizer/lcd underneath broke. there are lines going down the right half. the screen gets red before the phone locks. it doesn't register any touches. i meant to reply to some messages from people, but i can't anymore. i'll get to it when i can. (probably tomorrow)