the beginning of the second poem is reminiscent of that meek mill song. i don't like that but i'm not going back to change it

i'm trying to think of what my last meal in houston should be. i want to stop by the menil tomorrow. i think. i feel like i should. it's been a while. maybe i won't go out for dinner. i don't need to
i've been feeling bad these past couple weeks. a sort of stagnant depression i guess. i've tried to go out and do things more to see if that helped and, like, it briefly did. i had people cancel on me a fair amount of times, but that's okay. people are busy. no one owes me anything. i'm hoping that by leaving on saturday and being closer to people and not having to drive and feel isolated it'll get better. i don't want to pack. i'm listening to the antlers. i'm remembering how this time last year i was obsessed with the smashing pumpkins, a month after having seen them live. i remember making a bad joke after leaving the toyota center and sending it to rae. maybe someone else too. they're playing in houston again on sunday. the smashing pumpkins. i won't be here. that's fine. it's in the woodlands anyway. i wouldn't want to go out there anyway. i tweeted a bunch today. didn't really do anything at work. hasn't felt like i've done a lot in the past month. i also got sick within the past couple days. listening to the antler reminds me of my solo trip to toronto. reminds me of feeling alone. but i feel like that now too, so maybe that's why i put it on. like, i knew subconciously. i don't know. seems plausible. might buy a 'zero' shirt. maybe one of those bret easton ellis ones. feel like people older than me would make fun of me for that, though

i got high for the first time this year on monday. i had gone to the galleria to see if i wanted to get anything before leaving. i bought some black shorts from h and m. in an ideal world i wouldn't need to buy from fast-fashion companies but i had tried to find some at thrift stores and always came up empty. i got canes for lunch. the card machine was down, so the manager gave me my meal for free. i debated going back to ask for the lemonade i had ordered, but obviously chose accept that i had already won and going back would only make me look bad. went bowling after. at lucky strike. first game i only scored twenty-something points. the second game i was just short of forty. either way, two very bad games on my end. went to some sort of underground food court/bar after. got a raspberry/cherry beer that i, for some reason, expected to taste like store-bought raspberry ice tea. left there, smoked in the car, and played pool at a bar. i had wanted to get high for a week at that point. as a part of feeling bad, i felt that getting high was as self destructive as i wanted to get. it's self-destructive, for me, since i know my tolerance is low and i know i get awkward and paranoid. but it did numb me out and what not. i got what i was looking for, i suppose

i don't want to rant about this too much but i posted an epstein meme that implied bill clinton killed him on an ig account that wasn't my personal one. someone messages me saying that someone had asked them to take it down cause it made them uncomfortable. which like, first dm the account not someone else. second, i don't understand how a post making fun of a man who pleaded guilty to human traficking and another man who assaulted a woman while president would make anyone uncomfortable unless they're ok with either of those things. those are my thoughts

i guess i never wrote about the trip to marfa with german. at least, not in this journal style. only in two autobiographical fiction poems. maybe i won't write about it anymore. maybe i'll just melt again

i did go see an astros game on tuesday. they played, and beat, the tigers. there was also a soccer game between two mexican clubs so a lot of the free parking on the east side of downtown was taken. joked that mexicans are taking all our free parking. went to moon tower after. tried to go to a bar but areli lost her wallet for a second time and didn't have her i.d. the bartender was also being unnecessarily rude. kaijah told me that's just how she is. met areli's friend sarah. i think that's how it's spelled. she said she thought we'd vibe but i don't know if we did. i guess earlier that day someone else cancelled plans with me but popped into the art asylum to say hi, i guess. don't think i liked that. my fit was bad, for one. and, i don't know, if i don't invite you to visit me at work or i'm not close-close with you, don't do that. it made me anxious

i tie dyed some more shirts today. three fingers on my left hand are tinted black now. areli tried to make fun of me for getting into tie dye but i didn't let her. i'm having fun with it. that's what matters. i'll know what they look like tomorrow