i want to collect my thoughts on why i'm so reluctant to truly back any politician. i understand that there are a lot of 'good' ones out there, who are working to 'dismantle' the oppressive nature of the current american government but they all have short comings. no one's perfect. to an extent, that's fine. holding them all to a rigid purity test doesn't seem like the best use of anyone's time because, after all, not everyone will agree on anything. my purity test may not be the same as another's. maybe my purity test is wrong. etc. etc. which, i guess, brings me to a momentary standstill. should i just give them the pass since they, 'they' being progressive candidates that i agree with on many things, are working towards a solution that, for what it's worth, is a better situation than the one we're currently in?

i guess a few, maybe even just last year, i was inclined to think so. i was more on the side of "yes go off" or whatever. i remember being inspired by aoc's win as a sign that maybe the culture was shifting. but then, she slipped up here and there. backtracked some of her more brazen comments in order to not alienate people who disagree. and it was a moment like this that dis-inspired me with her. at that moment it became clear again that politicians will truly say what they need to in order to not lose power/support

which, of course. they need people to like them so that they vote for them. in turn, they get elected or stay in their position. that's how politics works! but that's the issue i have. if more people are against what you view as the right thing, you have to shift your position. isn't that a cop out? that's not genuine. why should i trust someone that will backpedal, or even take a step forward to later take steps back, in order to win an election. it's one thing if that person sticks to their beliefs, whether i agree or not, and it's another issue if they shape-shift for votes or approval

people love politicians. lots of people still love obama. there's love for biden. for warren. for sanders. for omar. etc. people we elected to 'represent' us are being elevated to celebrity status. i don't think they should. by celebrating politicians we create an energy for them that propels them. we overlook flaws and say, "so what. they're still good." we ignore faults because we see it as a team versus team thing. i'm guilty of this as well. i would say even now. i give sanders a pass on a lot of shit because i think he's the best candidate for 2020. i don't know. it's because of his track record. he hasn't wavered much in what he believes in. it's that consistency in 'progressive' values that i like. but even then, i'm not going to share stuff about how 'great' he is. because he can't be that great. politicians are supposed to work for us. represent us. not the other way around. we shouldn't stan them, since they ideally should just be a mirror of our own collective consensus and ideals

i'm thinking of that meme that a friend of mine shared. it's a picture of 'the squad'. those progressive woc politicians. i forget who's all in it but the point is, the picture has text that reads 'what if imperialism had a girl boss?' and that's the overarching issue here. america is an imperialist machine. you can interpret that as the idea of america. or the idea of american exceptionalism. or even physically, america as a country. as a people. why should i back a politician that is, at best, complicit with the violence committed in the name of america. should i be content that it's a woman doing it now? i wasn't content when it was a black man doing it. race doesn't absolve. neither does gender. violence is violence. i get that not everyone is 'responsible' for what the u.s. does. a state rep doesn't call the shots. but they take part in the system that does. they help uphold that system. is that not as bad? even assuming that they got in it to reform it, they are well aware that the way things are set up, change is a long-term plan. having a vision for the future doesn't mean that there isn't harm being done today

should politicians be celebrities? no. should they flip flop and compromise their ideals? no. should anyone aspire to be in charge of an imperialist machine? no. someone has to 'steer the ship' i suppose. but they shouldn't be idolized

none of what i wrote is new or groundbreaking. these are all critiques that were made well before i wrote them down here. but the way the majority of the people i know interpret politics is discouraging. i tried to argue this once while drunk and others thought i was just a 'nihilist.' i get why that may be the interpretation of this. but it's not that i don't think it matters. i think it matters too much. that we need to really scrutinize everything. that idolizing politicians obscures that. meeting them does too. i prefer to keep my distance. i don't want to meet them. by virtue of their job, they have to be charismatic. i don't want anything to do with their charisma

do ya'll actually read this? i know i can dig into the analytics to find if people actually, at least click, read what i write here. i don't want to do that. i've avoided it with this new blog and hope to keep avoiding it

was i really surprised when i wasn't accepted into the model u.n. class after i basically said i don't (currently) believe that these international diplomacy institutions can ever solve a problem and that i just signed up to waste my time

the air freshener plug in that i stole leaked and the liquid dripped onto my plugged in charger and fried it. the wall plug part is done. crisped. i have to use the extension adapter. so not a big deal

i spent like twenty dollars at the store but i don't know how. it doesn't seem right. like the things i got should not amount to that. there isn't enough, like, matter there. got refills for the air plug in but i got the wrong brand being mostly sure i was getting the right one

is it wrong that my trash can is just a box i never threw out? i just emptied it and put it back in the corner ..

ok so i did switch to the smaller data plan but i'm seeing i lost a discount i had so it's really only five dollars less but i get two gigabytes less. it's actually worse, value-wise. that said, still motivation to be on it less when out

i didn't go to the minecraft concert. i went out last night and then today none of the names stuck out to me. i found the gecs set so it's not like i'm never going to hear it

friday night i made myself a spritz and went to some small party people were throwing for a mutual friend's birthday. i didn't particularly like being there. i mostly just hid out in a friends room. drank some millers&aperol. julia said i'm gross for that. showed people pc music and they didn't really like it. ate a small amount of [redacted] and hit a dab pen. went to a bar but left within like fifteen minutes at most. i didn't really like anyone there. i don't talk to them. they seem annoying. and i especially wasn't going to talk to them at that point. my mind wasn't there. walked home and walked around a bit. played chess against coulson. i won. i think that's about where that night ended. friday

then last night i went to a party out in manayunk. it was just a small house thing where we all just drank and talked. caught up. etc. it was nice to see bryan. tried convincing him to come see brockhampton. i think i convinced coulson to come too. anyway drank a lot there too. i guess i shit talked some people i didn't know and that was recorded and sent to them. i don't mind. it doesn't mean anything to me. in general though, glad that's over with. two nights in a row is a lot

the thing about the regional rail is that if you say you paid with the key card they'll most likely take your word for it. like, i had one fare collector pretend to read the card with her machine. she even said 'beep'. then yesterday the fare guy said it was fine when i flashed the card and just gave me the little paper slip. i mean, i thought i had enough fare but the machine declined me. it wasn't my intention, but it worked out

i've been eating worse and more, while moving less

i'm thinking of selling my bike at some point between now and, like, april. i don't see myself wanting to take it home. it's heavy and needs more work that i'm not willing to finance

going to 'redact' some things cause i'm too honest i guess. i don't think so but whatever

going to switch to a three gigabyte monthly data plan to save an extra ten dollars a month. that's not a lot, but it comes with the added bonus that i know i have less data and can't be on my phone as often. i kinda miss my nokia. struggling to connect, that felt natural and what not

did the layout and sent it to the printers. feel proud that i managed to get that out. each new issue should be a lot easier from here on out

have ya'll heard this dorian electra album? it's really good. i recommend

i got back from new york last night. i got there friday and told myself i would buy an aesop deoderant. i didn't. i stopped by the aesop store in chelsea to see them in person. i liked the spray one but kim said i should get the roll-on one. i got neither, but i know that the herbal one is the one i want. i wasn't sure whether i should drop money that quickly but later that day, at the vampire weekend show, i spent twenty-five dollars on an orange hat. considered buying something for my sister but opted not to. which, she messaged me sometime last week asking a question regarding my school's application process, which, like, god, i hope she isn't seriously considering coming here. like, i don't think she'll be miserable, but there are better places and better locations to go to school. and if you're going to get in debt for a private school outside of texas might as well make it someplace worthwhile. plus, i know she can get into a 'better' school

anyway, ezra said that was their largest ever crowd. nineteen thousand he said. first show at the garden. i ran into scrag in the, would you call it foyer, of the place. she was taking pictures of the inflatable frog with her mom. i went over and talked to her briefly before getting in the merch line for the previously mentioned hat. [redacted]. we sat through one and a half openers. the second one did a bunch of talking heads covers. i was fine with the seats i got. they were in the two hundreds but somehow still felt close. at least closer than comparable seats at the wells fargo center feel. stood for the whole show. my throat hurt during most of it but i still sang along cause i'm corny like that. it was nice to hear all the songs i basically memorized during all of my alone time in argentina. like a true culmination of them. a completion. we got prince st pizza after cause the owner of some meme account i like once said it has the best pizza if you're buying by the slice. i took a bite of it in the broadway-lafyatte station and nearly choked. my throat was so dry and irritated i teared up

the next day i convinced kim to go to staten island with me to visit kwynn. which is an accomplishemnt. nyers really hate that place! i hadn't been to her place in about a couple years now, which i realized while sitting on her back patio drinking some punch she made. saw her dogs. pet her dogs. ate some chips. ran my hand through the cold crytalline water in the pool. ate a burger that was basically raw but nonetheless good. i wanted to see emmett in brooklyn later that day but once i got back to where i was staying i knocked out

i'm remembering how kim described a hot chai tea as a blanket. i debated texting others to hang but i realized i had way too little time for everything

then the next day went by really fast. had brunch at a mexican place in the bronx. ordered a cafe de olla which was really good. got a small horchata as i was walking out. stopped by the place next door to buy some hibiscus to make some agua de jamaica later this week. saw emmett. went to muji. was stuck between two shirts and got the bigger one. it ended up being really big and now i'm not sure how to style it and am also kinda regretting not getting the other one, which would've fit a lot better. also got one of those thin cotton bags. basically i impulse bought at muji, twenty minutes before i was leaving. wasn't a lot, but still, didn't need to spend that money. but i never 'need' to do a lot of the things i do. it's my free will. it's me

it's around six in the morning. i haven't really slept and i'd been telling myself to type another one of these out so i figure now would work. the sky outside is turning blue. i have laundry in the dryer that should be done by now, but i don't feel like walking down two flights of stairs

there's a rash on my right arm that, in my opinion, resembles the hawaiian archipelago. not sure if it's due to some sort of allergy. i know that last week i was drinking a chocolate/almond smoothie and my throat started to itch. never felt that before and i've had that drink months ago multiple times. i didn't finish it

handed out miller high lives and aperol like it was water on saturday. people complimented my crop top. do they not think of it as pandering? i feel like if i saw a guy wearing one i'd be suspicious of, like, ulterior motives. i guess that just says more about me

i should've purchased my ticket to new york months ago. don't like that it was almost thirty dollars. there's another one of those mincecraft virtual concerts coming up on the fifteenth, i think. i told kim that i was going to 'attend' and she laughed

i have ten pairs of shoes with me and it somehow still doesn't feel like enough. i left some olive pants at home that i meant to bring