i have basically everything i need for my room except the speaker wires. i thought i had them in one of the boxes in my storage unit but i don't. or they haven't popped up yet. i think they might be in the box with my records that dom has somewhere at his place. i'm fine with not having my records for a few weeks but i want to listen to music in my room and i don't like being limited to my phone and laptop speakers. i also don't want to buy any more

over the years i've hoarded too much stuff. i'm seeing exactly how much now that i have to move in and empty all the boxes. i'm going to try and sell some stuff on, like, depop or maybe ebay. i don't know. gonna donate some stuff to goodwill even though i don't really like them. i left a couple shirts at home and i'm a little sad cause i was looking forward to wearing them

me and a friend are going to have to learn adobe indesign and design the new layout for the student newspaper. that sucks. it's good that i have a decent understanding of how adobe programs work but i quickly got lost when the graphic designer guy gave us a crash course so it's going to be annoying to have this figured out, or mostly figured out, by friday

i was messing around with my yashica slr camera, just hitting the shutter and messing with the speed dials. i decided to open it and realized there was a roll of film in there that i definitley just ruined. i think it had been in there since freshman year. not sure how many shots it had on it, but they're probably all messed up now. don't think it's worth even trying to develop. i know that, considering the time and temperature fluctuations of the storage units, the film was probably already messed up, so i'm going to keep telling myself that to rationalize my carelessness

laptop was still on central time and as a result i showed up to an empty classroom for class an hour early. at least i was able to get coffee

julia said she got tickets for the same vampire weekend show as me and sarah but turns out she has tickets for the one in philly smdh

saturday my first time back on campus since december and it felt weird. like, i've had a cold for a week now and i haven't been able to smell very good. every other year the campus has had this outdoorsy smell, maybe that of pollen or trees or grass, but i wasn't able to pick up on it. and, it's been hot every other year. like at least high eighties or low nineties. i think it was in the seventies. so too cold and not smelly enough. two important senses. my room is a good size though. just have to rearrange somethings and i should be fine. sucks that i lost my fridge though

the beginning of the second poem is reminiscent of that meek mill song. i don't like that but i'm not going back to change it

i'm trying to think of what my last meal in houston should be. i want to stop by the menil tomorrow. i think. i feel like i should. it's been a while. maybe i won't go out for dinner. i don't need to
i've been feeling bad these past couple weeks. a sort of stagnant depression i guess. i've tried to go out and do things more to see if that helped and, like, it briefly did. i had people cancel on me a fair amount of times, but that's okay. people are busy. no one owes me anything. i'm hoping that by leaving on saturday and being closer to people and not having to drive and feel isolated it'll get better. i don't want to pack. i'm listening to the antlers. i'm remembering how this time last year i was obsessed with the smashing pumpkins, a month after having seen them live. i remember making a bad joke after leaving the toyota center and sending it to rae. maybe someone else too. they're playing in houston again on sunday. the smashing pumpkins. i won't be here. that's fine. it's in the woodlands anyway. i wouldn't want to go out there anyway. i tweeted a bunch today. didn't really do anything at work. hasn't felt like i've done a lot in the past month. i also got sick within the past couple days. listening to the antler reminds me of my solo trip to toronto. reminds me of feeling alone. but i feel like that now too, so maybe that's why i put it on. like, i knew subconciously. i don't know. seems plausible. might buy a 'zero' shirt. maybe one of those bret easton ellis ones. feel like people older than me would make fun of me for that, though

i got high for the first time this year on monday. i had gone to the galleria to see if i wanted to get anything before leaving. i bought some black shorts from h and m. in an ideal world i wouldn't need to buy from fast-fashion companies but i had tried to find some at thrift stores and always came up empty. i got canes for lunch. the card machine was down, so the manager gave me my meal for free. i debated going back to ask for the lemonade i had ordered, but obviously chose accept that i had already won and going back would only make me look bad. went bowling after. at lucky strike. first game i only scored twenty-something points. the second game i was just short of forty. either way, two very bad games on my end. went to some sort of underground food court/bar after. got a raspberry/cherry beer that i, for some reason, expected to taste like store-bought raspberry ice tea. left there, smoked in the car, and played pool at a bar. i had wanted to get high for a week at that point. as a part of feeling bad, i felt that getting high was as self destructive as i wanted to get. it's self-destructive, for me, since i know my tolerance is low and i know i get awkward and paranoid. but it did numb me out and what not. i got what i was looking for, i suppose

i don't want to rant about this too much but i posted an epstein meme that implied bill clinton killed him on an ig account that wasn't my personal one. someone messages me saying that someone had asked them to take it down cause it made them uncomfortable. which like, first dm the account not someone else. second, i don't understand how a post making fun of a man who pleaded guilty to human traficking and another man who assaulted a woman while president would make anyone uncomfortable unless they're ok with either of those things. those are my thoughts

i guess i never wrote about the trip to marfa with german. at least, not in this journal style. only in two autobiographical fiction poems. maybe i won't write about it anymore. maybe i'll just melt again

i did go see an astros game on tuesday. they played, and beat, the tigers. there was also a soccer game between two mexican clubs so a lot of the free parking on the east side of downtown was taken. joked that mexicans are taking all our free parking. went to moon tower after. tried to go to a bar but areli lost her wallet for a second time and didn't have her i.d. the bartender was also being unnecessarily rude. kaijah told me that's just how she is. met areli's friend sarah. i think that's how it's spelled. she said she thought we'd vibe but i don't know if we did. i guess earlier that day someone else cancelled plans with me but popped into the art asylum to say hi, i guess. don't think i liked that. my fit was bad, for one. and, i don't know, if i don't invite you to visit me at work or i'm not close-close with you, don't do that. it made me anxious

i tie dyed some more shirts today. three fingers on my left hand are tinted black now. areli tried to make fun of me for getting into tie dye but i didn't let her. i'm having fun with it. that's what matters. i'll know what they look like tomorrow

Smashing Pumpkins - Thirty-Three (Sadlands Demo)

a poem:

nights like this,
i wanted nights like this
zooming by dried up oceans

i pull off to the shoulder
i turn off the headlights
next the engine

i'm pro-stars
i get out of the car
he's still snoring
in the passenger seat

i'm pro-sky
i spin around three times
i wish for the moon to go away
and it does

the dirt is thirsty
i'm not falling asleep

i remind myself
that each rock
is destined to decay
removed and satisfied

a poem:

dreamt of suicidal roadrunners
daring oncoming cars
wagering their shapes
on their marks
i'm a citizen
i'm a witness to the moon's gravity
i slip off my shoes, my socks
phone notifications feel alien
like the sky and sand and sun and sighs
my body blends with the light
i know i cant
see myself
mother is crying
i pretend not to see

the inaugural post for this blog, myphoneisdead, just after my phone actually died. i took off its case to clean it since there was sand and other debris on the inside backing. i place it down, headphones attached, since i was listening to a podcast. i guess i move back one step too much and the wire pulls it and it falls. i initially scrunched my face hoping the screen hadn't cracked. it didn't but the digitizer/lcd underneath broke. there are lines going down the right half. the screen gets red before the phone locks. it doesn't register any touches. i meant to reply to some messages from people, but i can't anymore. i'll get to it when i can. (probably tomorrow)