my grandfather died today. we were all hanging out in the living room/kitchen/dining room when i guess my dad got a call from a relative saying his father had passed. i didnt hear the call come in and i didn't notice when he left to his room (i was playing mario kart for the gamecube)

i had agreed to pick up my sister from her apartment out in dickinson so that she could go to the mall with my younger sister. i thought it was a dumb idea, but whatever, that's on them and their conscience. so she was here at home when my dad got the call. she's the one that told me. they ended up not going to the mall cause we were gonna go visit relatives

i was never particularly close to my grandfather. i guess when i was younger and more oblivious i would visit more often. his neighbor had a son my age and we would hang out a lot. i can't remember his name right now. i want to say it was 'irving' but i'm not sure. i think it had an 'r' though. anyway as i grew up i kinda stopped going. it wasn't much fun to go anymore. couldn't just run around in his backyard. to keep it simple, eventuallyu i caught on that him and my father didn't get along all that well. don't want to dive to into it but there was always some tension, and once i became aware of it i started to, like, percieve it more. so that obviously made me not want to go

i think the last time i saw him was last year. i remember having gotten back from my time in buenos aires and talking to them about it breifly. they being my grandparents. they didn't seem to interested in what i was saying then. he had been dealing with some kind of cancer, pancreatic i think, for some time. so in a way, there was a sort of preparation for it that had started for a while. i know it seems too removed, and maybe plays in to the perception that i don't have emotions, but i wasn't particulalry affected by his passing

we went to see my grandmother and whoever else was there, which was an aunt, and then later a cousin. first time seeing them in a while. my father and his sister and mother just recounted different stories about him. i guess i started to sympathize. i started visualizing myself with my siblings in their shoes. how we would deal with something like that. this is the first death in the family that i have dealt with, at least with any sort of relevance due to proximity. like, i knew them. i'd seen them throughout my life. and whether i felt close to them or not doesn't change that this is the first time i have to deal with a death like that. i suppose it is an easier case. since it probably won't evoke strong emotions on my end. i don't know if my father cried. i think he probably did. but i didn't see him. so i can't be sure

we got food after we left. i watched soccer with my father. his team won. i guess my team too. our team won, after overcoming a 0-4 deficit from the first game. i guess the universe gave him something good to balance out the negative. i know it's easy to disparage sports, but here, there is an example of how it can be good. a nice distraction