had a manic episode today. maybe that's not the right word for it. all i know is i got very overwhelmed with how everything has seemingly gone against me for a good part of this year, if not the whole year. this summer especially. seems like some misfortunate thing happens to me every other week. all set me back financially and emotionally

today i cried again for the first time in a while. it wasn't due to frustration, though im sure that played a part. i was about to head out on a bike ride to where my developing chemicals are at. was gonna develop a roll and print a label. before leaving i'm in the kitchen drinking water. i look over thet kitchen bar and see my dad is watching tv. i notice the lamps and mist machine for the chameleon cage are on. there was a chameleon there for about a year, up until a couple weeks ago when it got sick out of nowhere and didn't make it to the vet appointment we set for the earliest slot available. but here he is with the light and mist machine on. and inside i spot this plastic toy chameleon that we've had forever. and i get prfoundly sad. overwhelmingly. and i leave for my ride

of course i forget the keys to the place. mistook them for the keys to my house. so the ride doesn't accomplish everythign i set out to do. but that's fine. it took my mind off things

a few years ago there was a while where i felt the world was against me. and when i look back at that, i wonder why i thought that. clearly it was an overreaction. but, increasingly, that feeling is coming back. i feel trapped at times. and i figure that a few years from now i'll look back and think the same that i do about teenage me. but knowing, or assumeing to know, this doesn't make me feel any better about now

i sold out and made a linkedin. i hope it's worth it

i'm thinking that if i dropped my bmi to like 19 or 20 i'll be happier...

the nokia life is fine. i haven't missed a connected iphone too much. there's wifi most anywhere anyways. and having a nokia gets me out of replying to texts

sold a box of ten new cassette taped from japan for fifty within twenty minutes of posting the ebay listing... shoudl've asked for more...

last week i hung out with elora. it was a very last minute thing, since i was expecting to go to austin that thursday before having to cancel the morning of (which might have actually been a good thing). i guess we were just gonna read cause she said something about doing things in parallel. i forget the phrase, but it made sense. same thing as how the only time i put effort into 'making music' is when i'm with more people doing that. but she got a flat right as we were meeting up. i said i could 'maybe' fix it in order to seem more, idk, relatable? like do i know how to put a spare tire on? yes, i've done it and have seen it done. but i added the maybe to kind of cover for me in case i looked dumb... either way she took it as a sign that i don't know and had some other guy come do it. which was totally fine. i'm happy to let a white guy put in all the effort. figured this would be as far as our hang would go, but we went to this bar called poison girl after. i had a green tea shot for the first time. tried reading outside but the mosquitos were vicious. got banh mis at one point. overall it was fun. i think that, if there's one thing that i have somehwat improved on over the past year, it's just being better at hanging out with people

which reminds me that part of what made me spiral earlier was that i was coming to the conclusion that me being nice has been at the root of a lot of my inconveniences. and i don't want to make that connection. i've been relatively happier ever since i've dropped most of the negativity i harbored as a teen. i guess i do need to draw a line bweteen kindness and complacency, but that's the thing, there's a line, they're not the same. so i shoudn't see me being nice as something that i should stop if i want to improve my immediate situations. in fact, i often feel like i could be more vocal about my appreciation for things and people... but that's another post probably

still feel like selling a lot of my posessions but thats too mcuh work. wish i could just list them and give them to people and they could like l eave a tip or donation in exchange... whatever... i just want less stuff right now